"If you know someone who has lost a child or anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that's a great, great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards

"The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you." - Bruce C. Hafen

Archive for June, 2013

Last week

Some happenings of last week.

We installed a dvd player in our van AFTER our long  car ride to Utah…The kids are very excited and happy.

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One day we went to a beach and had fun! We had to walk on a trail to get to the beach. It was beautiful. One the way back to the cars we saw a deer stand on the trail in front of us. It was very cool. Savvy had fun but kept putting things in her mouth. I turned my back for a few secs and the next time I looked at her she had sea weed hanging from her mouth.

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Savannah turned 10 months

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We planted two fruit trees. A plum and a cherry tree.

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We had a karaoke night at my in laws house. We had so much fun and went to bed around 1 am. We had yummy pizza and popcorn to eat and the kids had fun playing with their cousins. We stayed the night and went home in the morning.

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We had a barbecue down at the beach tonight with like 10 families from church. The kids played and splashed in the water  all night. I love to watch them have fun with their friends. I love our friends. We had lots of yummy food and enjoyed a nice evening together.

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Our trip to Utah

We  got back yesterday from a really fun trip to Utah. We stayed there for one week. I had been worried about the loooong car ride down there for a long time, but the kids did great! On the way there we drove during the day and on the way home we drove through the night. Eric’s sister Tiffany was so nice and let us stay at her house.  We had so much fun with my family, I didn’t want to go home. My mom, dad, five of my sisters and one of my brothers came. I miss hanging out with everyone now that I’m home again. I wish my family was closer so that we could be together more often. Spending time with them really makes me realize how much I truly miss them. I love them all so much.

The weather was so nice and warm. We did a lot of fun things during this week. I took a lot of pictures that I want to share. Some of the pictures my mom took. During our trip Savannah finally cut her first tooth. Wahoo!  Here are some of the things we did.

One day we went to Sundance. It was so beautiful there and the kids had a lot of fun playing by the water.






The next day we visited the Church history museum. They had a really fun play area for kids.





We had a really nice time at Temple square. I love seeing the temple.









After we got back we went and barbecued and played kubb at a park. While we were there we met two returned missionaries from Sweden that talked with us for a little.


On Tuesday we went to Lagoon. The kids were in heaven, they loved everything. I went on all the roller coasters. I was so scared but it was a lot of fun! We also went swimming for a little while.







We did a lot of shopping. I found a cute dress and some shoes.


One day we visited the BYU campus and while we were walking home the kids got to eat a snow cone. Later in the afternoon they got really tired and fell asleep in one of the beds.


Bridal veil falls was so beautiful. Three of my sisters and I hiked up to the waterfall. I was not wearing good hiking shoes, but I’m glad we did it anyways!





Later that day we had some yummy Cafe Rio for lunch. Later we went and visited the “Museum of ancient life.” Tiffany came with us and it was nice to spend some time with her. The museum was very cool. Tiffany bought the kids some plastic dinosaur toys and some play doh. Later that night she made us some yummy Navajo tacos for dinner.







One day we went to Silver lake. It was so beautiful there. They had this trail around the lake and we saw lots of chipmunks.




On Saturday we celebrated midsummer at the International Peace Garden in Salt Lake City.













Thanks for a wonderful week!

Celebrating Oliver!

Today we celebrated our little boy. He is always in our hearts.

Savvy looking at Oliver’s picture

Oliver 2n birthday

Two beautiful necklaces I got from Carrissa 🙂



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Happy 2nd birthday Oliver!

Today its been 2 years since our sweet Oliver was born. Not a day has gone by without me thinking of him. I miss him so much. I feel like I have healed a lot this past year. The intense anger and all the “why me’s” are gone.  I feel like my broken heart is slowly healing….Savannah has healed a big part of my broken heart…but I still feel like part of my heart is always going to hurt and long for my little boy. No parent should have to bury their child.

Because of this experience, we have become much more empathetic towards others who loose children due to birth defects or for any reason really.  Our hearts instantly go out to them and we are able to “mourn with those who mourn.”  It helps us to understand just a little what it means for the Savior be able to succor our needs as He understands the pain each of us feels perfectly.  We don’t, as every situation is different.  Our very perspectives are so shaped by our own experiences and beliefs that no two experiences are the same.  We’re grateful for the gospel and the hope it brings that we will one day be reunited with Ollie.  Not that it lessens the immediate sense of loss or our longing to have him with us, but the hope keeps us looking forward to “one day.”

Our kids still talk about Oliver often.  They continue to ask when he’s going to be with us again, despite us explaining death many times. Just yesterday I heard Nicci tell lionel, “Lionel, pretend I’m baby Oliver, come back to life…” while they were playing make believe.  They don’t feel the same sense of loss as we do, but they know that he should be with us.

I wish I could hold him again, and stroke his little head.  I wish his little body could have been healthy so that he could be here with us.  I wonder what he would have looked like now….what would he have liked to do? I grieve the bond my three boys would have had, all the fun they could have had together. One day…one day….

Happy birthday Oliver. We love and miss you!



Last day of preschool

Yesterday was Lionel’s last day of preschool. Today they had a picnic at one of the parks and the kids played and sang some songs. They also got some yummy cupcakes. Lionel has loved preschool! I have signed up both Lionel and Jordan for Tueday/Thursday preschool in the fall. Ms Gina is moving and we will miss her so much. Today we got to meet Ms Andrea who is going to be the new teacher and she is super nice.






Kindergarten Picnic and Celebration

I can’t believe that Nicci’s last day of kindergarten is tomorrow. She is going to be a first grader this fall, so crazy but fun! Today they had a picnic and a celebration for the kids at the school. All the kids got a diploma and they had a nice time. I can’t believe how fast my little girl is growing up. She has loved school and her teacher has been awesome. She has made many friends and she has grown and developed so much this year. We love our Nicci!


Nicci and her friend Talia


Nicci and her teacher Miss Roberts. She is going to be the kindergarten teacher at the new school so the boys are probably going to have her too when they start.




Cutting up the cake





A quote by Martha Whitmore Hickman

“After all our attempts to comfort ourselves and make sense out of dying, we are left with a huge hole in the fabric of our lives-’I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. And then what? The absence begins to feel familiar, the edges of the psychic hole grow less sharp, maybe begin to grow together so we can walk along without being in perpetual danger of falling into the astonishing abyss of the person’s death. In time, the absence even mutates into another kind of presence. Someone has said that a child who dies is with you in ways a living child cannot be.”


My little Oliver is always with me.

Eric’s birthday!

My awesome husband turned 31 on Monday. The kids and I were busy that day getting everything ready before he came home from work. We made a birthday banner and put up 31 different notes on the wall with things that we love about him. The kids had also gotten a balloon for him.  Eric had requested my lasagna for dinner and he wanted blackberry pie for dessert with vanilla ice cream.


Loose Teeth

Nicci has two loose teeth! She has been looking forward to this for so long. For months she has come up to us and asked us when her teeth are going to fall out. She has had a lot of friends that have lost teeth and she wants to so bad too. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for them to fall out.


On Friday night they had a carnival at Nicci’s school. They had a lot of fun activities and yummy treats. Nicci’s teacher took a turn in the dunk booth and the kids thought it was hilarious.






Our Family

Beatrice and Eric





Read posts about Oliver here
Read Oliver's story here