"If you know someone who has lost a child or anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that's a great, great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards

"The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you." - Bruce C. Hafen

Archive for August, 2011

We are in Sweden!

We made it! We left Seattle at 7 am on Monday morning. We had a 3 1/2 hour layover in New York and then we arrived in Stockholm on 10.15 am on Tuesday morning. There is a 9 hour time difference. The kids were great little travellers. They watched a lot of movies and played with some new toys I had bought. They also ate a lot of snacks. They thought it was so cool to look down at everything. Nicci told me the cars looked like ants. The nicest part of the trip was when all the kids slept for more than 5 hours on the NY-Stockholm flight. When we got to Sweden I was completely exhuasted! One of the pilots told me I should get an award for flying alone with three kids. It is so nice to be back again! Its been so fun to spend time with my family. The kids love it here. They are getting so much attention. We are still adjusting to the time difference. I have been feeling so tired today and the kids got up at different times last night. Jordan was up between 11 pm and 1 am and Nicci and Lionel stayed up between 4.30 and 6 am…zzzzz… I hope I will get some more sleep tonight.  I am so happy to be here but we miss Eric! We talk to him on skype everyday and its been nice.

The kids at the SeaTac airport

The kids with mormor and morfar

Having fun!

The kids have been picking a lot of apples. They have been putting them in some funny places.

Dixie is getting used to the kids

Playing at the park

Playing with morfar.


Team Kayaking

Yesterday, went kayaking at work with my team.  It was a lot of fun though I did somehow end up upside down at one point.  At least it was a lake and not the sound, so it wasn’t very cold.  Here’s a couple photos.

On Their Way

Well, the family has left.  They are on their way to New York and then Sweden.  It was hard to see them go.  At least Nicci understood she wouldn’t be seeing me for a while.  Lionel and Jordan probably just thought I was going to work and they would see me later.  Sad day.  I’m going to miss them but hope they have a great time in Sweden!  I’ll be watching their journey here… Already 2 states away.

Visiting Oliver at the Cemetery

Yesterday the funeral home told us that Oliver’s grave marker had been set, so of course we wanted to go and see it. This morning I told Nicci we needed to get ready because were going to go and visit baby Oliver. She then replied, “Oh, are we going to heaven?” Cute girl.

Oliver is buried in a section of the cemetery called “Baby Land.” He is buried between two other baby boys. The building on the marker is the LDS temple in Salt Lake City, Utah.  I’m happy they were able to set it before we went to Sweden. We love and miss our boy…



My Cute Kids

I love them so much. Don’t know what I would do without them.

Our stargazer lilies are blooming now.

My Mom’s Poem

My mom wrote this poem for us when she was here visiting in June. She also gave the lyrics to my dad and he composed some music so that it’s  also a song.  I haven’t heard the melody yet but I’m sure I will hear it when I am in Sweden in September.


Here I am standing with deep sorrow

Don’t know how to cope with tomorrow

I have tears in my eyes

and so many why’s

You did not come to stay

The Lord had another way.

You are leaving

and I am standing here grieving

You are in heaven where you belong

Our ancestors are greeting you with a song

They rejoice as you are greeting

tell them how we were meeting

Our love we send to them

as they are wondering when

it’s my turn coming

Oh! how I am longing

You will always be in my heart

even if we are apart

I will be counting the days

in so many ways

One day we will be together

then it will be forever.



We had a nice and busy weekend. The weather was beautiful. On Friday night we had some friends over for dinner and plaedy the game “Kubb.” It was fun! On Saturday Eric had to work so I took the kids to Point no Point Beach. We stayed there for a couple of hours and the kids had a lot of fun. Later we met up with some friends at Round table Pizza. It was very yummy. Afterward we went to the waterfront park in Silverdale and let the kids play at the playground and we also let them splash in the water. Eric was sustained as the YM second counselor today at church and he is very excited about his new calling.

Here is a cute picture I took of Nicci with her cousins Shanna and Sydney when we were at a park on Thursday.

August 19th Day of Hope

The Day of Hope.

In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.

Why is this?

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.

These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

Together we can make a change!

With love and light to you,

Carly Marie Dudley
Founder of August 19th – Day of Hope


Early Morning

This morning I had to take our minivan in for a car service at 8 in the morning. It was a little stressful but we made it there in time. Since we had to wait there until our car was done they were nice and gave me a fruit smoothie and the kids got chocolate milk and whipped cream.

2 Months Ago…

…I held my sweet baby in my arms. I think of Oliver all the time. He was here for such a short time but brought us so much love. I will always remember and cherish the time we had with Oliver. I thank my Heavenly Father that we got some time with our baby. I will never forget the feeling I had when they put him in my arms. He was mine and I loved him so much. I wanted time to stop. I knew that I was going to lose him, I had tried to prepare myself for this moment for the 11 weeks I had between the ultrasound and his birth. Nothing however, could ever prepare me to look down on him, feeling all this love and to have to say hi and goodbye to him within an hour. I remember thinking as I was looking at his sweet face and held his hand in mine, “Please, just let this be a dream, please let my baby stay with me.”
To hold my baby and watch him slowly pass away was excruciating and it’s an experience that I will always carry with me and never forget. But with this feeling of sadness there was also a very peaceful feeling in the delivery room. Oliver was so still and peaceful the whole time too. I knew we were not alone and I knew we could get through this.  Oliver is a special spirit that just needed to come and get a body and then return again to our Heavenly Father. I like to wonder sometimes what he is doing right now. He was perfect, and so beautiful. Words can’t describe him. I know he is well and happy where he is. I’m so grateful to be his mom. I love to talk about my baby. It keeps his memory alive. I’m trying to figure out what our new “normal” is. After I lost Oliver I kind of expected the world to freeze just like my world froze, but it doesn’t work that way. People’s lives go on. I’m just taking it one day at a time and try to figure things out. We love you sweet Oliver and we miss you!
One of the Veggie Tale’s bedtime songs,

Way up above us, twinkling bright,
There must be a million stars in the sky tonight,
But don’t you worry, no need to cry,
You are the only twinkle that’s in my eye, tonight.

You’re more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There’s no way that I could ever forget your face,
You’re more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.

Through all the laughter, through all the tears,
Whenever you need me, I will be standing here
No need to wonder, don’t ever fear,
Though you may wonder,
I’ll always be right here

You’re more than one in a million,
No one can take your place,
Though I could try,
There’s no way that I could ever forget your face.
You’re more than one in a million,
No other ever could do,
Not even one in a million, could ever compare to you,
Could ever come close to you.

Our Family

Beatrice and Eric





Read posts about Oliver here
Read Oliver's story here