"If you know someone who has lost a child or anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that's a great, great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards

"The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you." - Bruce C. Hafen

Archive for June, 2011


Oliver is always in my thoughts. Today I was in the boys’ bedroom cleaning up some toys. As I looked around in the room I just felt this wave of sadness for a moment…I just thought that if everything had been normal and Oliver was here with us we would have had three little boys sleeping in this room. It’s hard sometimes to think of all the future memories and milestones that we are not going to have with him. No first smile, crawl, birthday cake, steps, loose tooth and first day of school. I want those memories…

Oliver had more hair than our other kids did when they were born. I will always wonder if his hair would have stayed brown or turned blonde like our other kids. Would he have been a calm baby like Jordan or a fussy one like Lionel?

These “waves of sadness” often come when I least expect them. The other day I was eating something and I just remembered that I used to eat that a lot during my pregnancy with Oliver, so I got a little emotional.
I love and miss you sweet boy.

My Oliver

My labor with Oliver was very long. When it was time to push I was so scared because I was sure he had passed away already. I only pushed twice and he was out. He came out moving and he had one eyed open like he wanted to look around and see what was going on. He had beautiful blue eyes. One of my nurses snapped a picture of him having his eye open and I love that picture because it really shows that he was indeed alive. I felt so relieved and they handed him to me right away. He was very quiet at first but when I started to talk to him he made a few noises. It kind of made me feel like he recognized my voice and wanted to say a quick Hello to me. My precious baby.

I read this article about grieving and I thought it was so true.

Love this song.

Playing in the Pool, Mini golf and Midsummer

Last week we had one really warm day so I got the little pool out for the kids. They had so much fun and we were out there for a long time. Since then the weather has been a little colder and Nicci has been asking almost every day to play in the pool. I hope the weather gets warmer soon again.

A few days before we had Oliver we went to a Family Fun Center. The kids got to go on some rides and we also played mini golf. It was a fun day.

Today we had a big community garage sale and we got a nice floating shelf and a box of brio railroad tracks. We already have a lot but it was still fun to have some new ones for the kids. My sister Marilyn is visiting right now and she helped Nicci build a nice railroad track.

Today we celebrated midsummer. In the afternoon we were invited over to my neighbor. Some other Swedish people came too. We ate some food, cake and sat and talked. Afterward we went downtown Poulsbo and watched people dance around the maypole. Nicci wanted to dance too and I took her and we danced until she said she was done My mom gave Nicci this cute Swedish dress that she wore for a little bit today. She is so cute in it.

Trying to raise up the maypole

Jordan got his face painted. Cute guy

Little Tiger

Cute little Nicci

Thank You!

I just wanted to take this opportunity and thank everyone who has helped, prayed, fasted and thought about us for the last couple of months since we found out about Oliver’s diagnosis. Thank you so much for all the dinners people have brought to us. Thanks for all the beautiful flowers you have given us. They made our house smell so nice and some added beauty to our garden. We will be forever grateful for everyone that prayed that little Oliver would be born alive.

Thanks for watching our kids when I had doctor appointments. Thanks to my wonderful doctor and all the awesome nurses I had while I was at the hospital. We could not have been better taken care of.

Thanks for being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just needed to vent. You have no idea how much it has meant for our family. I have felt so loved and taken care of these last months. Right after we found out that Oliver’s diagnosis was fatal I was such a wreck. I believe everyone’s prayers helped me get through this. Thanks for being great examples of Christ like love.

Oliver’s Memorial

The day of Oliver’s memorial was a beautiful, sunny day. I was so grateful that the weather was nice. I was so full of anxiety that morning , I could only drink a glass of orange juice for breakfast. We left early to pick up some flowers and when we got to the flower shop they told us that they had not made our flowers. Panic. Eventually after asking them again they realized that they had indeed already made them and we got them and left. When we got to the funeral home we got to see little Oliver in the beautiful casket that my father in law made. He looked so peaceful. I just love him so much. Family started to arrive and it was time to go down to the graveside to have the memorial.

Eric carrying Oliver to the graveside

Nicci, Shanna and Sydney

Beautiful casket made by my father in law.

Jordan was teething and did not nap in the car like we thought he would so he was miserable. Thanks Jenn for taking care of him.

The funeral home surprised us by releasing some white doves after we were done.

Eric and I were so surprised by the dove release

During the memorial we sang a song, Eric read a poem and I talked a little bit. I will post what I said another time. We also listened to the song “I Will Carry You” by Selah. My mother in law and Eric’s uncle Kenny spoke a little too. Afterward we went to my brother and sister in laws house and had a barbecue. We are so grateful for all the family that came to support us. We love you all.



Father’s Day

We had a good Father’s Day. We went and visited Oliver at the cemetery and then we went to my brother and sister in laws house. We played wii, ate dinner and had a great time. It was really nice to get out. Everyone is so supportive and we talked about Oliver a lot. That’s what I like to do right now. Be around family, rest and talk about my baby.

Eric is such a great dad. He is so caring, loving and patient with the kids. They love him so much. They ask me multiple times every day when he is going to come home from work. When he gets home and opens the door all the kids run and want to hug him. He loves to play with the kids and make them laugh. I am so happy I married such a wonderful man. Our kids are lucky to have him as their dad. Eric is a proud dad of 4 children, three on earth and one waiting for us in heaven. We love you!

Hard Morning

It was hard to get out of bed this morning….my whole body just ached for my baby. We had little Oliver’s memorial and burial yesterday. (I will post about it another time). My milk came in almost two days ago and it has been both physically and emotionally painful and it still is, and will be for more days to come before it goes away. It just hurts, I have milk but no baby to feed.

I just wanted to share this song. I found it while I was still pregnant with Oliver and I just love it.

This song was written by a couple that went through almost the same thing we did and their daughter Audrey was born at 34 weeks and passed away 2 hours later. The song is called I Will Carry You by Selah.

Here are the lyrics,

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says …

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

My Little Boy…

I miss him so, so much….My heart hurts..I just want to hold him again…I want him here with us.. I love my sweet little baby.

A mother’s love cannot be measured
by increments of time …an entire lifetime
of love can be squeezed into a few brief
miraculous moments when necessary….


Oliver James Merrill

Our precious baby boy Oliver James was born on June 14th at 7.25 am. He weighed 3 lbs 6 oz and was 17 inches long. He survived a long labor and we got to spend a blissful 1 hour and 12 min with him before he passed away. Our hearts are broken but we rejoice in knowing that he is now safe and whole in heaven. We will always miss you sweet baby. Until we meet again….Families Can be Together Forever

I will post some more later…

Maternity/Family Pictures

There is this organization called “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep” that we contacted a while ago. They are a non-profit organization that provides remembrance photography for families whose children are either still-born or are sick at birth and only live a short time. A sweet lady took some maternity and family pictures of us yesterday. These pictures mean so much to us. Thank you so much Jesse Michener!

Click here to see them.

Some of the pics.

Our Family

Beatrice and Eric





Read posts about Oliver here
Read Oliver's story here