"If you know someone who has lost a child or anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that's a great, great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards

"The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you." - Bruce C. Hafen

Archive for 2011

Happy New Year!

So here we are…the end of 2011, the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. At times I thought I was not going to be able to go on. My heart broke and it was so very painful. Sometimes I felt as though the sea had engulfed me and I couldn’t breathe.  But I survived, and I have learned so many things and gotten to know and been supported by so many people. I am ready to leave 2011 behind me…but it’s kind of bittersweet….2011 will always be Oliver’s year… June 14th, 2011 will forever be a day I will never forget.

Another day I will never forget is March 31st, 2011… the day I found out my baby was going to die, and there was nothing I could do about it…I lost all my control. The world is a better place for having had Oliver in it, even for just a few minutes.  I am ready for a fresh start in 2012. Thanks again for all the love and support.

We also had some fun things happen in 2011. We had friends and family come and visit, Eric and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary, the kids and I went to Sweden for a month, Eric and I took a weekend trip to Port Townsend, Nicci turned 4 and started preschool etc.

Happy New Year!!


The other day the kids drew some pictures to send to my brother Vincent who is on a mission in England. Both Lionel and Nicci drew Vincent’s face. They were so excited when we went to the post office to send the letter to him.

Vincent according to Nicci.

She wrote her name on the back. She is getting better and better at writing her name.

Vincent according to Lionel.


Taking the Kids to the Dentist

I took all the kids to the dentist today and everything looked great. The kids did so good. Jordan was a little scared but I got to hold him in my lap while they were looking at his teeth. Their dentist is so nice and the kids always get a little toy, a sticker and a new toothbrush when they are done.

Our Forever Family

We put the vinyl letters on the wall today below our pictures. I love it! Thanks again Secret Santa!


We had a nice Christmas day at home. The kids were so excited to find out they got a trampoline. They loved opening all the other little gifts. We went to church for an hour and we got to sing a lot of Christmas music. The rest of the day we just stayed home and the kids played with their toys and their new games.

Playing the game Candy Land.

New play doh and toys!

Cookie Party

Nicci was invited to a cookie party last Friday. She had a lot of fun! 🙂

Our Christmas Eve!

On Christmas eve we left early to attend a Merrill family breakfast with all the extended family who live here. We ate waffles, crepes, breakfast casseroles and had hot chocolate and juice. It was so nice to get to talk to everyone.

After the breakfast we went to the cemetery to put some flowers by Oliver’s grave. I so wish he could have been here to celebrate Christmas with us. It made me sad to see that there were some new babies at the cemetery. I always wonder what their stories are.

Later we went to my in laws house. In the afternoon Santa came and the kids loved it!!


Our Secret Santa

We have felt so blessed and loved this holiday season. 12 days before Christmas we started to receive gifts every night. Someone would run up to our door, put down the gift, knock on our door and run away. We have NO idea who did this nice thing for us.  I know it must be someone from church because one of the gifts was put in our car at the night of our ward Christmas party, so funny and sneaky! 🙂 The kids loved to hear the knock on the door every night.  I have taken pictures of the things we have received. If our Secret Santa reads this, Thank you so much! 🙂

We got some yummy reindeer noses on the first day!

On the second day the kids got some sticker books!

On the third day we got some yummy hot chocolate mix, with marshmallows and candy canes!

On the fourth day we got this really cute book!

On the fifth day we got some yummy donuts!

On the sixth day, we got a fruit basket!

On the seventh day, we got some really cute fridge magnets!

On the eight day, we got these delicious pretzels dipped in chocolate and coated with crushed candy canes.

On the ninth day, we got a gingerbread house to decorate!

On the tenth day we got some vinyl lettering that we can put on our wall. It will say, “Family, a Journey to Forever.” Love it!!

On the eleventh day, we got a nice candle!

Tonight we got this gift! Inside it was a nice photo frame and a movie!!

We just want to say thank you again to our wonderful, loving secret santa!


First Christmas in Heaven

“I see the countless Christmas trees

Around the world below,

With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,

Reflecting on the snow.

Their sight is so spectacular,

Please wipe away the tears,

For I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs,

That people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare,

With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,

The joy their voices bring,

For it’s beyond description,

To hear angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away,

We really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones.

You know I hold you dear.

And I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,

From my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory

Of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift

More precious than pure gold.

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,

As my Father said to do.

For I can’t count the blessings

Or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas

And wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.”

Author unknown.

Gingerbread House and Saffron Buns

Today I made some Lucia buns. I normally try to make them before December 13th, but this year things have just been a little crazy with my hand and everything. I love making these. We always made them every year at Christmas time growing up.

We also decorated a gingerbread house we got from our “Secret Santa.” I will post more about our awesome secret santa another day! 🙂

The kids loved decorating it and they ate a lot of candy!

Our Family

Beatrice and Eric





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