"If you know someone who has lost a child or anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that's a great, great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards

"The deep hurt is the mirror image of the deep joy that still awaits you." - Bruce C. Hafen

Archive for the ‘Oliver James’ Category




Pregnancy and infant loss awareness day

Remembering Oliver today and always!



A walk to remember, SLC

After we moved here I searched for a baby loss group to join here in Utah. The M.E.N.D group in WA was so helpful and I wanted something here too. Yesterday we attended our first “Walk to remember” here in SLC. It was held in the beautiful International peace gardens. It was a really nice afternoon. It was very healing to be there. I felt very supported by being around so many other families that have lost babies too. When we first arrived there, I got my t shirt I had ordered that had Oliver and many other babies names on it. Then we got to decorate a bag with Oliver’s name on it. Inside the bag we got a candle that we can light inside the bag on October 15th, which is the International day for pregnancy loss and infant loss. Everyone decorated their bags and put them down on the ground along the path that we were going to walk later.




They had a nice program with music, some short talks and a dove release. They also read the names of all the babies lost to the families that attended. Then we walked around the gardens and thought of our babies. We also got some treats at the end. <3 We love you to the moon and back Oliver!













Happy 5th birthday Oliver!

It’s been five years since our little Oliver came into this world early in the morning on June 14th, 2011. We had hoped and prayed during the pregnancy that he was going be born alive and I am forever grateful that we got that precious hour with him before he passed away. Even in the middle of all the heartbreak and sorrow of knowing that he was not going to make it very long, there was still a great joy of having him there and loving on him.


We can’t believe he should have started Kindergarten this fall. I often wonder what he would have looked like now as a 5 year old. Would he have had brown hair like Savannah or lighter hair like most of the other kids? What would his interests have been? Would he have been very stubborn like Jordan or more sensitive like Lionel? I have so many things I wonder about.


Five years! It seems like so long and yet not that long at all.  Even still do random things in everyday life remind us that we have one child, that is not with us. How we long to hold him again. Time has helped heal a lot of the pain, but I know in my heart that for the rest of my life I will always long for my little boy. My soul is forever connected with his. I will always miss him.


Today we celebrate yet one more year closer to the day when we will be reunited with our baby Oliver.  We miss you and love you!


“The tide recedes but leaves behind

bright seashells on the sand,

The sun goes down, but gentle warmth

still lingers on the land,

The music stops, and yet it echoes on

in sweet refrains…

For every joy that passes,

something beautiful remains.”

– Hardin Marshall


So grateful for my mother in law and sister in law who went out to Oliver’s grave and decorated for his birthday when we no longer can because we live in a different state.







March for babies!

When we moved here from WA I kind of felt sad that we might not be able to walk in the march for babies anymore. I didn’t even think to look and see if they had a walk here too. A few weeks ago I was driving on the freeway and saw a billboard that said that march for babies was in Provo in the beginning of May. I was so happy! A lot of the kids had grown out of their t shirts so we went and got some new ones before the walk. I was glad it was a sunny morning. This event was a lot smaller than the one in Silverdale, but it was still plenty of people there. They had some yummy breakfast food there when we first got there and that was nice because I had not had time to eat breakfast that morning. They also had two ladies there that did face painting. I was amazed how fast they were. The kids loved it. Eric and I both love to do this walk every year. I love to see families get together and honor babies that were born too early or who have passed away. I love to see grandmas, grandpas, siblings and friends come and support the parents as well. People just don’t understand how much their support means. After the walk they had bought pizza and Chick fil A for us. One fun thing that happened was that I ran into an old college friend that I used to work with in the school cafeteria, “the Galley.” She and her family was walking for her daughter who was born at 33 weeks. After we ate they had a dance party for the kids but we had to rush to Jordan’s soccer game. I think this was the fourth year we have walked in march for babies. We will go again next year!

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Triggers….I never know when they might come. I had one just the other day. One of my friends told everyone that she just registered her son for Kindergarten…. Bam! There it was. If Oliver had not died I would have registered him for Kindergarten this spring. But he is not here, and it hurts.




Blog about Tyler

Some days I think Oliver must have had a special talk or something with Tyler up in heaven before Tyler was born. I can imagine Oliver saying something like, “Soon you will meet your mom. She has been so sad and struggled a lot since I couldn’t stay and had to leave, so please give her some extra love and hugs. Please give her some extra cuddles from me.  She needs it.”

Of all our kids Tyler has been the most affectionate one. He loves to snuggle, to give hugs, kisses and just lay on our chest and cuddle. Our other kids were always so active and couldn’t wait to get down from our laps if we picked them up. Not Tyler. Even though he is a busy toddler now at almost 15 months, he still loves to take short breaks and just cuddle with us. He will be walking around playing all happy, and then all of a sudden he will walk up to me and just smile at me and give me a hug. It melts my heart. He still falls asleep daily on us before we put him in his crib for his naps. Since he is our last baby I think he also knows deep down that I need his sweet snuggles as much as I can. I just love him so. I have said it before but of all our kids Tyler reminds me the most of Oliver. I remember the first time I saw him sleep at the hospital and it just hit me like a ton of bricks how similar his facial features were to Oliver’s, especially his cheeks and mouth. Just the other day I woke up and looked over at Tyler who was still sleeping, and I saw so much of Oliver. I’m grateful for these tender mercies.



Beautiful song

A friend shared this song with me today. I love it.


I’m grateful that my mother in law could go and visit and decorate Oliver’s grave back in WA when I can’t. We miss you little guy!

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Our Family

Beatrice and Eric





Read posts about Oliver here
Read Oliver's story here